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As all sexually active girls know, men are extremely easy to get off. All you need to do is say, “I want to suck a fart out of your ass” to any random stranger and half of us will cum in our pants right there. Because of this when I talk to girls about sex and I say something like “she was terrible in bed” or “she did NOT know how to give head” and this blows girls minds. Then I heard the dreaded question, “how can a girl be bad in bed?” I think most guys are so happy just to get a girl to go down on them they just never complain so most girls never know. Not to say I’m really any different. If I can find someone to be naked with god bless ‘em! I have a mirror, I know what’s up! Either way I’ve decided to write a little something about the different levels of performance a girl can achieve when trying to make one out of two.
The Lap Dance:
Out of the three this is the hardest one for me to write about. First because it’s the one I have the least experience with (I don’t go to a lot of strip clubs and girls don’t want to give me lap dances that often (what’s up with that?)) and secondly I don’t know how to dance and it’s kinda hard to describe but I’ll give it a shot.
Level 1. There’s only two levels I see to the lap dance. The first is girls that don’t know what they’re doing and the second is the ones that do. Level one is girls who have never gotten a lap dance but “they’ve SEEN IT ON TV!” and think you sit on the guys lap, brush your hair around and grind on his dick. Don’t get me wrong I would gladly welcome this with open legs but half the time the girl will slam down on my dick (in my pants) and it will hurt or Ill get kinda bored.
Level 2. This is either the experienced stripper or just a girl that knows what’s up. Her whole body is constantly rolling around. Breasts are rubbing against your face. Vagina is eye level and rolling around your nose area. They are griping your whole body with their body and most importantly they are giving you a hand job with their vagina. A really good lap dance will get me to the point I’m about to cum without actually touching my dick and then they’ll ask for money. A good lap dance will make me consider paying an extra $20 just to touch her tits. A good lap dance will leaving me drooling and angry about to rip my dick off.
The Blow Job:
This is about to get graphic! Head is such a strange and magical activity that can be better than sex or painful and embarrassing. From what I’ve heard a lot of girls wont give head and I have a message for you: GET OVER IT. I don’t blame you. Penises are gross and scary but if you want to keep your man happy you NEED to give head. If you find out your mans cheating it could possibly be due to bad head or lack of head entirely. If a girl gives good head I’m basically her slave.
(NOTE: Everyone has different taste in what they like. I will try and be as general as possible)
(NOTE 2: Personally I freak out when I girl touches my balls. I know a lot of guys like it so I’m not mentioning them at all. Ask your man what he likes!)
Level 1. This is the only action in this whole “guide” that’s actually not fun at all. This is when a girl either really doesn’t want to do it or really has no idea what she is doing. She will put the dick in her mouth like a lollypop, not try and go very far down and take it out. Then she will proceed to LICK the outside slowly. She will grip your dick either WAY too hard or barely hold it with two fingers. She will rub her tongue around it for a while and be done. This is the same effect as tickling my arm pit with wet hands. It just feels weird and gross and I want to grab your whole head and fuck it! But I’m a nice guy and I ask you to stop “I’m about to cum!” hahaha. And I take over from there cause your clearly under age.
(Also a strange thing I’ve encountered recently is girls that think it’s hot to choke on your dick. If my dick is actually choking you its no big deal but I’m not really looking for it. If it gets the girl off some how then I guess it’s cool but it does nothing for me. Maybe this is for guys with small dicks that want to believe they are huge? I donno.)
Level 2. These are the girls that like giving head or have at least done it enough to guys they like to understand the penis a little bit. First is the grip. Most girls can’t get this right and I don’t blame them. What you’re trying to do is have a firm hold on the skin of the dick but not the whole thing. You’re trying to move the skin but not jerk the dick. When a girl is at level two she will go down and stay down. She will lift her head up and down occasionally pulling it out to lick it or do the jerking motion a little but this is mostly her head up and down on your dick and moaning a little bit. She may or may not swallow depending on if she’s cool or not (tip: always swallow). This kind of head is amazing and is defiantly welcome to any guy who gets it.
(I really like the Vice Guide to Giving Head. I don’t agree with all of it but shes got some stuff I don’t know about in there. I guess it helps that its been written by someone who’s actually sucked a cock. Read it here: http://iceinlava.com/vice/vg-gh.html)
Level 3. The funny thing about level three is most guys don’t even know there’s another level. How to find out if a guy knows about the third level is simple. Just ask, “Have you ever gotten head that was better than sex?” If he has then he knows what I’m talking about. I would say 80%-90% of girls are in the first two. Level three is a special level only for girls DEVOTED to the cock. These are girls that when you come over all they can think about is putting your dick in their mouth. Quite simply: they get off on giving head. And when you get off on it you get creative. Now there are many different forms of this kind but I will give you the one I like best. The first rule to giving good head even at level 2 is there must be a lot of spit. If a girl licks her hand or spits on her hand before she does anything you know you’ve got a pro. Through the whole process there must be spit EVERYWHERE. I know I’ve gotten good head when after she’s done my dick is covered in spit. The number two thing level three girls do is never take the dick out of their mouth till it’s over. Its cold out there! The penis wants to be inside where it’s warm! The motion itself is simple. Put one hand around the top of the penis. Put your lips right up to where your hand is. Move your hand up and down on his dick and never let your mouth away from where your hand is. Also twist. Don’t twist his dick hard if there’s a lot of spit is should just slide around. It’s basically like your jerking him off only your doing it with your mouth and your hand. Also you are moaning and loving it. I personally get off on the girl actually enjoying it. I had sex with a girl once who was amazing at giving head and loved to do it. After we had sex I put my clothes on and was about to leave and she stopped me and asked if she could just go down on me one more time. THAT is commitment.
The Hot Beef Injection:
Out of all three this seems to be the one girls are most confused about. I’ve heard SO many girls ask “How could a girl be bad a sex?” This blows my mind every time. Sex takes two people. Both people have to be involved and moving to make it happen the right away. If you don’t know this you might not be having good sex!
Level 1 AKA the Dead Fish.This special little category is saved for three types of girls. 1. Girls who are terrified of sex and this is their first time or they really don’t want to 2. Girls that have had trauma in their past like being raped or molested or 3. Dead girls. Not too much to explain here. Girls that just lay on the bed with their legs open. Never moaning or touching you and basically waiting for it to be over. Having sex with a girl that does this is very scary. Especially when she tells you it was great after.
Level 2.This is where around 50% of girls fall. These are either somewhat experienced girls or girls who haven’t had sex with a guy they can be comfortable around. They moan and they hold you and they will reluctantly change positions. For a lot of guys this is fine. Guys just want the pussy and don’t really care about anything else. If you love it you love it if you don’t they still got laid. Personally I am not like that at all. This type of sex should only be saved for high school. If your gonna do it, do it right!
Level 3.This is a girl that LOVES having sex and is having a great time. She’s moving her hips with your hips, she’s telling you what feels good and what you need to do differently and most of all she’s moaning and screaming because she doesn’t give a fuck! She will ask for positions or maybe even tell you what to do. She’ll talk dirty and expect you to do the same. At some point she might even get on top and fuck you. After sex with this girl you will have scratches on your back and bite marks on your shoulders. This girl is having fun and you have made a deep connection where you can have a level of physical and mental intimacy that a lot of people strive for.
(If you are a girl that is always asking herself “What’s the big deal about sex?” You have not gotten to level 3. When you experience Level 3, especially with someone you love, you will understand why sex is all everyone is thinking about.)
SECRET LEVEL 4:There is another level. The problem with this level is it’s not something that can be taught. It’s something that a girl either is or isn’t. This is the girl that fucks you. She tells you what to do, she screams and cums multiple times. She stops you during sex to suck your dick. After sex with her you will probably be scratched to shit and in a little bit of pain. Basically she is an animal and she acts like one. Anything you want to do she is down for (to a point). She wants to be fucked and fuck you. These girls are fun but come with serious emotional baggage and can’t really work in a relationship. (In my experience)
In the end all that really matters is that your having fun. If you can be comfortable and let loose a little you will most likely have fun and get good sex. The key to sex is communication, relaxation and a general interest and connection with the other person. Every girl can’t get all three. Some girls just don’t like giving head and can’t be forced. Some girls are never gonna be all the way comfortable with you sticking meat in them. But Ill tell you one thing: If you can be comfortable with all three and you have sex regularly (and don’t use it as blackmail to get your way) and you aren’t a complete psycho your boy will NEVER leave you. Keep his dick happy and the rest will follow!
(P.S. I would love to hear what guys have to say about this. I hope I didn’t leave anything out! Also I would love love love if a girl wrote the same thing about what guys do wrong!)
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pizzadicks.wordpress.com 
Just thought I’d add:
“Also a strange thing I’ve encountered recently is girls that think it’s hot to choke on your dick. If my dick is actually choking you its no big deal but I’m not really looking for it.”
This is the ONLY type of blowjob that will get me off.
Comment by Mes March 26, 2012 @ 12:01 PMIf she will not choke on my cock, the relationship will inevitably end within a few weeks until I can find a suitable replacement.